Your smile would light up my day
Your laughter would lift my heart
But I was too stupid to realise your pure feelings for me
All the hints you gave me
Why did I not pay attention at all?
Will you give me a chance?
I will promise to be yours
Can you turn my midnight into your day?
Can you be mine if I asked?
Even though you could’ve been mine
Even though it was my own mistake
Could you forgive me and take me under your wings
I’m forever crying for you
I’m forever, just missing for you
Baby I love you, I’m waiting for you
Where are you when I need you?
Where was I when you needed me?
Are we straying from each other’s paths?
Should our destiny ever be crossed?
Was it all my fault?
Would you have stayed if I said yes?
And now my heart is yearning for you
Will you come back to me again?
Even though you could’ve been mine
Even though it was my own mistake
Could you forgive me and take me under your wings
I’m forever crying for you
I’m forever, just missing for you
Baby I love you, I’m waiting for you
Bye bye, never say goodbye
I know that we were destined to be
I need you, Fate just understand, I want you
I’ll wait, no matter, I will wait
Even though you could’ve been mine
Even though it was my own mistake
Could you forgive me and take me under your wings
I’m forever crying for you
Even though you could’ve been mine
Even though it was my own mistake
Could you forgive me and take me under your wings
I’m forever crying for you
I’m forever, just missing for you
Baby I love you, I’m waiting for you
[Lyrics are from Ss501's song "Because I'm Stupid"]
CHAPTER 1: Because...
The sun was shining its weak Autumn morning sun rays through the trees along the road. However YoungSaeng did not notice… He didn’t notice the sun, he didn’t notice the trees, he didn’t notice the children playing on the grass, in fact, he didn’t notice anything apart from the road he drove on.
For the past few months he had been living for his work. Nothing else bore his interest. He’d drive himself to the studios every morning and returned home only late at night. With his four band mates he would practise dances, compose music, record songs or write lyrics. Occasionally they would attend fan meetings, perform on stage or appear in a variety show. When such an event was scheduled, YoungSaeng would put on a smiley face and be the happy guy, but deep inside he felt completely different. Deep inside, YoungSaeng felt hollow, like he was stabbed with a knife that had cut out his heart.
‘Why is your music so melancholic these days, hyung?’ HyungJun asked him. Taking one of the sheets with lyrics on which YoungSaeng had been working. ‘You can’t see them yet, I have to finish them first!’ YoungSaeng said and grabbed the papers out of Baby’s hands. ‘Okay… I was just curious, no need to act all that heated…’ HyungJun muttered and went his own way again.
After another hour of composing, YoungSaeng felt as if he needed a quick break. He was trying to focus so hard on the lyrics, but caught himself just staring at the paper instead. He knew it wasn’t productive to work like this, but he had no intention of quitting just yet.
Just when YoungSaeng thought he was getting somewhere, his phone made a buzzing sound. It was HyunJoong sending him a text message, whether YoungSaeng would come to the dance studio right away. They had to practise a new dance, apparently.
With a sigh YoungSaeng gathered his stuff and made his way to the studio. His hands were filled with sheets, books, pencils, an eraser and a tuning fork. He was already wearing dancewear, so luckily that was all he needed. Balancing his stuff on one arm he managed to open the door and reached the hallway. A smile appeared on his mouth. Nothing dropped!
When he looked up, he struggled with his balance. TaeYeon was coming his way… He grabbed for the tuning fork that was sliding over the sheets. He was too late, it fell and made a loud ‘poing’ sound. Quickly he went to reach for it, but TaeYeon had picked it up for him already.
Swallowing, YoungSaeng noticed his throat was dry. That face… that angel-like face… He was in love, but he longed for something that wasn’t within his grasp. They had been close, but there were still too many things unsaid, too many wishes unfulfilled and yet their love was an old one, a dead one maybe…
“Thank you…” YoungSaeng said, looking at his papers, which were less interesting, but safer to look at.
“You’re welcome…” TaeYeon said, with the same awkward voice, or was it polite? YoungSaeng didn’t know, but he took the courage to look at her face and smile. Her face looked weary and raw, she looked like she hadn’t slept for days.
“Are you okay?” YoungSaeng asked, softening his voice even further. He didn’t want to sound rude or intruding. TaeYeon nodded once and smiled faintly. Then she took a step away from him and pointed in front of her, as if to say she was going back to the future.
“I have to go now…” She said. YoungSaeng questioned himself about the future. Will they be together in the future? He saw TaeYeon walk away. The sound of her steady steps died away like the moments of them together had faded into nothingness.
In a hurry YoungSaeng sprinted towards the dance studio. His unplanned meeting with TaeYeon slowed him down and his band mates were probably all waiting for him already.
“What took you so long? Seriously, I did tell you it was an emergency, didn’t I?” HyunJoong complained once YoungSaeng turned his head around the door of the dance studio. “You didn’t…” YoungSaeng answered, trying hard to remember the exact contents of the text message. “Oh… Well, there is and we have to solve it!” HyunJoong went on. Putting his stuff in the corner of the dance studio, YoungSaeng turned to listen to his leader.
“The problem is, we have to practise 3 new dances before the Asia tour, which is next month… That gives us an average of 5 days to learn each dance and 5 more days to perfect them!” the leader explained. “Okay! Let’s not waste time anymore!” JungMin shouted and got everyone to get up.
When the dance practise ended it was late. KyuJong had suggested to have dinner together, so they headed out to a nearby restaurant. Most of the trainees and debuted artists went to that restaurant. It provided for a calm dinner, since it was only accessible by company pass.
Everyone was tired from the dance training, but they had done a great job and had learned most of the dance already. It was time for some relaxation.
When YoungSaeng entered the restaurant, his eyes grew wide and his hands got a little sweaty and warm. So Nyeo Shi Dae was also having dinner at the restaurant… He regretted going here now. He thought he had forgotten her, but now he knew he could never. His heart was racing, but he refused to call it love. He hoped to see her, but he refused to look at her. He was head over heels, but unable to reach his heart’s desire.
“Heey~!” HyunJoong said and approached the SNSD dinner table. Friendly greetings came from both groups. A table was placed next to the one of SNSD and there YoungSaeng was, sitting next to the one he couldn’t show his love to… It brought back so many memories to just smell her scent, memories YoungSaeng thought he had forgotten, but they were still in his mind, stronger than he thought possible. They were all alive again…
CHAPTER 2: ... I Am...
It was 2 and a half years ago when they first met. YoungSaeng had just debuted with Ss501 and they were backstage from their first performance. Lots of people were congratulating them, it was really crowded around them. YoungSaeng was teary eyed, just like the rest of the members. He was so happy they had finally made their debut, but he could only show it by crying. The emotions were just too strong. Suddenly there was a pair of hands touching his face. A girl was in front of him. She smiled as she stroke his tears away with her thumbs. Totally shocked, YoungSaeng forgot to cry. Was this kind of thing what you call ‘being harassed by a fan’?
The girl turned out to be trainee who listened to the name TaeYeon. She wasn’t a stalker, nor a crazy fan. She had seen their debut performance and wanted to congratulate YoungSaeng, since he had caught her eye. At first YoungSaeng had been hesitant, but after they talked for a while, they got to know each other a little better and he started to like her. They had exchanged phone numbers too that evening.
His members had made fun of him, teasing him with his new ‘girlfriend’. “When’s the wedding?” JungMin would ask. “Can I be your best man?” HyungJun would throw in his question. Then they would all start to discuss who should or shouldn’t be his best man. “Why don’t you just wait until I send you an invitation? Until then, no word about marriage… okay?” YoungSaeng had laughed the first time they teased him, but soon enough he gave up going against them.
In reality, TaeYeon and he weren’t that close. They were close, but marriage was far away, if it even existed for them. Back then he liked her and she liked him, but he wasn’t sure whether the feelings he had could be called ‘love’.
“YoungSaeng oppa, let’s go to the beach today, the weather is really warm!” TaeYeon said, nudging his arm. “The beach? Hmm… okay!” YoungSaeng smiled.
They had met an hour later, having their beach wear with them. YoungSaeng picked her up in his car and together they drove to the beach. Because YoungSaeng had just debuted people didn’t recognize him when he wasn’t with the rest of Ss501. Still, he drove to a place that he knew to be more or less deserted. Only a few people knew about that place between the rocks. When he was younger, YoungSaeng would always come here with his friends, now he was here with TaeYeon…
In one of the rocks was a cave. YoungSaeng and TaeYeon took turns to change into their swimwear in the cave. A little awkward they stood next to each other. What were you supposed to do with a girl on a beach? While YoungSaeng was still thinking of a thing to do, TaeYeon ran to the water and started wading through the first small waves at the shore. Without thinking anymore YoungSaeng followed her and checked the temperature of the water with his toes. It was a little cold, but it provided a nice contrast with the sultry weather.
“Oppa, isn’t the water nice?” TaeYeon commented and ran further into the sea. The water came up to her waist now. “Yeah, it is…” YoungSaeng smiled and slowly moved forward. The sand beneath his feet was muddy and slippery, YoungSaeng didn’t know how TaeYeon could just run on it. Swimming, TaeYeon came back to YoungSaeng, who was now also till his waist in the water. She was grinning sweetly, but a twinkle in her eyes gave away her mischievous intention. “YoungSaeng?” Her sweet voice said, making him look at her. Then at the same time she moved her hands under the surface of the water and threw a big splash into YoungSaeng’s face. He spluttered for a while, but he was out for revenge…
TaeYeon was tired of swimming and went back to the shore, ready for something to eat or drink. When she could put her feet onto the ground, YoungSaeng caught hold of her shoulders and turned her around. The water was just below their shoulders. Through the almost transparent water, YoungSaeng could see the contours of her yellow bikini and his navy blue swim-short. Laughing TaeYeon started splashing water in his face again. Knowing that this was his chance at revenge, YoungSaeng tried to tackle TaeYeon and playfully push her into the water… but then he slipped.
Without meaning to, that had been their first kiss. Together they had submerged into the water, their lips locked. When they came above the surface, TaeYeon was smiling widely, but YoungSaeng was confused. Did he like her this much? Or did he WANT to like her this much?
Later that day, after they had both taken a shower, TaeYeon suggested to go to the boulevard. She knew a place to eat, called ‘Ramzy’s Steak House’, which served barbecued meat and soft drinks. They ate on the terrace and enjoyed a beautiful view over the public beach. YoungSaeng was having fun. He enjoyed being with TaeYeon a lot. They clicked and that felt good.
“You really like spare ribs, don’t you oppa?” TaeYeon asked, seeing YoungSaeng eating one happily. Without answering YoungSaeng picked up another piece of spare rib and offered her a bite. TaeYeon closed her eyes as she was enjoying the food, it tasted good and being fed by YoungSaeng made it even more desirable for her. “Hehe…” YoungSaeng laughed softly. “You liked that?”
“Do you know what I always thought romantic?” TaeYeon asked, when it was starting to get darker as the evening handed the reigns over to the night. “Romantic? Eh… This?” YoungSaeng guessed jokingly and grabbed her hand. They were slowly walking on the boulevard, towards the place where YoungSaeng’s car was parked. “That’s part of it…” TaeYeon smiled. Behind her the sun had begun shining its last rays before disappearing below the horizon. TaeYeon smiled at him as she started to pull him away from the boulevard, towards the beach. On the sand they sat side by side, watching the last minutes of the sun setting. The boulevard was now beautifully lit with small lamps in different colours.
TaeYeon put her hand onto YoungSaeng’s knee as she turned towards him. YoungSaeng, who was extremely conscious of that hand on his knee, lightly started to panic. TaeYeon was about to kiss him, she was already closing the distance between them. “What are you doing?” YoungSaeng said, swallowing. He knew it was a major turn-off for her, but he wasn’t ready to kiss her. It confused him, even more because he was convinced that he liked her…
“YoungSaeng oppa, you don’t like me?” TaeYeon asked. Her voice was small, she sounded hurt and disappointed. “I like you…” YoungSaeng said, but he could not say more, he didn’t know what more there was… YoungSaeng could see a glistening trail along TaeYeon’s cheeks, she was crying. He wanted to wipe her tears, but he couldn’t do it, instead he looked at his sand-covered feet. “I’m sorry…” he muttered.
CHAPTER 3: ... Stupid
Weeks had passed after that eventful day at the beach. At first TaeYeon had tried even harder to win over YoungSaeng’s heart, but he didn’t change. He would treat her well, pay close attention to her and provide a warm atmosphere with laughter, but when it got romantic, he’d just close up and become awkward.
After a while of ineffectual trying, TaeYeon gave up. She wanted to be with him, but her love for him and his rejections were so very painful to her that she couldn’t take it any longer. She stopped calling him and created a gap in their once so close friendship.
TaeYeon avoided YoungSaeng for most of the time. When on times they would meet, she always kept a polite distance and never really opened up to him.
That’s when YoungSaeng realized he missed her. There was no-one else he had been this close with, not even with his band mates or his parents. Their connection had been a different one. He also realized he had been selfish, he had taken advantage of her love for him. He had shamelessly liked it that she loved him, but he wasn’t able to return her love. Yet he kept giving her hope…
Then, a year later, TaeYeon debuted as leader of So Nyeo Shi Dae and she started to have a busy career as well. She was away for most of the time, doing promotional work and everything else a beginning star has to partake to catch the eye of the greater public. YoungSaeng hardly ever saw her again, only on television.
New trainees had arrived at the company, but YoungSaeng had little to no interest in them. Subconsciously, he compared them all to TaeYeon and none of them matched.
Now YoungSaeng realized he was in love, a fool in love… and it was too late to tell her that. He didn’t know how to get close with her again. So instead of trying, he gave her up, like she had done with him…
And now, two and a half years after their first meeting, he was here, sitting beside the one he loved, the one he had hurt and the one who had loved him. He wanted to talk to her, but he didn’t know what to say, she didn’t seem to want to talk to him either. So they quietly ate their meals, while the rest was chatting and laughing.
“What’s with them?” Sunny, who sat on the other side of the table, whispered to KyuJong, who sat next to her. “They are awkward with each other, because of a past relationship…” KyuJong whispered back. ‘Thanks… spill the beans all you want…’ YoungSaeng thought, but pretended not to have heard them. Luckily Sunny just nodded slowly, like she understood it and let it pass as she continued her cheerful conversations.
The dinner had been long and awkward. YoungSaeng had not been able to say a single word to TaeYeon and she in return didn’t talk to him. He ate carefully, trying his hardest not to touch her on accident. When the sate sauce was out of his reach, he wouldn’t ask her to pass it to him, he would just eat his meal without it.
Is this the end? Is this truly how it will be? Will I always watch and not have her? YoungSaeng thought about the future and a feeling of desperation hit him as both groups were about to leave the restaurant and part ways, to meet who knows when again.
As they walked out of the restaurant, the sky had started to darken as the sun had just set. It was late August and the days were growing shorter.
Driven by his desperation and hope at the same time, YoungSaeng grabbed TaeYeon’s hand and pulled her away from the group. The So Nyeo Shi Dae girls were making worried and surprised sounds while Sunny and the boys of Ss501 understood and explained to the rest what was happening. YoungSaeng and TaeYeon did not notice all the hectic as they were both paying attention to where YoungSaeng was going.
At the park, YoungSaeng finally stopped walking and motioned for her to sit down on the bench. “I need to talk to you, if you don’t mind…” YoungSaeng said, while half of his determination had already slipped away and made place for insecurity. He went to sit next to her, but maintained a comfortable distance.
Because TaeYeon remained silent, YoungSaeng continued to speak. “First of all, I’m sorry… I was selfish and I didn’t know the value of our friendship…” TaeYeon looked up at him and smiled slightly. “It’s okay… The value was undetermined, because the exchange rate did not match…” She talked in Economics, but she had just summarised it all.
YoungSaeng looked at his feet. “I don’t know how to say it…” He commented and TaeYeon wondered what it was YoungSaeng thought about.
For a while they sat there, silently side by side. Until YoungSaeng opened his mouth again. “Can I take you to the beach?” He asked. “Eh… Now?” TaeYeon responded, shifting her gaze from the sky to YoungSaeng’s face. YoungSaeng nodded. “Yeah, now...” Without answering him TaeYeon stood up from the bench, ready to walk with him to the beach.
At the beach YoungSaeng spread his jacket on the sand for her to sit on. She was wearing a white pair of jeans and he didn’t want them to get dirty. As they both sat down, YoungSaeng felt his stomach knot. He was nervous because he knew what he was going to do.
“TaeYeon-ah… Do you, still like me?” YoungSaeng asked softly, almost inaudible. TaeYeon, who had looked at him while he spoke, did not answer and started staring ahead while breathing heavier. She remembered his first and most painful rejection all too well. Then she looked at him with big eyes. YoungSaeng bit his lower lip as he slowly started moving towards her, closing the distance between them. Every time he thought he saw her hesitating or holding back, he stopped moving. At the end of the distance, their lips met. He kissed her like she was made of fragile porcelain. Then he felt a warm hand land on his knee and a responding kiss on his lips.
It was the end of the summer, but the beginning of a warm love.
YoungSaeng could see the coloured lamps of the boulevard reflect in a trail of glistening tears on TaeYeon’s cheeks, she was smiling. With his thumb YoungSaeng stroke away her tears and held her close to his chest.
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